So yeah, it's been a while. And after a hiatus from just about everything I could manage, I went out today to start moving again. I woke with a budding migraine and it was overcast and muggy out. But it was time. I took a couple of excedrin, laced up my running shoes and headed to the dam. I set my music on shuffle and this is what it chose to smack me with, first thing:
"Shitty weather, bad timing, lucky penny glued to the ground.
Dirty look from total stranger, hope you get lost and you're not found."
I ran along a course that had been marked in chalk for a race the previous week. A buzzard left the dead fish he was working on to fly in low and circle around me once before heading off over the water. I found myself laughing. In spite of my pounding head, I was determined to run 2 miles and start getting back on track. Because I've learned a thing or two over the past few years. I know now that the best way to keep from drowning is to voluntarily take a deep breath and sink.
"So I hold my breath 'til my heart explodes.
'Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes."
It sounds counter-intuitive, I know. But there is a peace below the waves and once your eyes adjust, the murk begins to clear. So I sink, and I wait, and I let myself start to consider that the world may have more in store for me than I'd realized. Inevitably the storm passes. I am back above the surface now, breathing deeply. And in time, I'll know what is next for me.
"So unscrew my head and rinse it out.
Polish my thoughts, turn into doubts."
I passed two miles and ran on through the woods. Once I was back in the open, I stopped running at 3.33 miles because I liked the number. And, as always when I see a clock or calendar or odometer hit a triple number like that, I took a moment to wish for peace. Headache completely gone now, I walked back up the steps to the dam and along the water. I was aware that I hold peace in my open hands. Sometimes I just need the space and time to remember that.
"You can steal my body but you can't steal my soul.
'Cause this is how it is and this is how it goes." (Billy Talent)
