Sunday, May 4, 2014

I thought you couldn't take it with you?

Stuff. I find it endlessly fascinating. I swear to you that stuff is genetically similar to rabbits in its ability to rapidly reproduce. But my hope is to move into a smaller house and to keep that place as un-cluttered as possible. It's been an interesting experience to have a de-cluttered house on the market. Now that I've gone a month with a lot of my things packed into temporary storage, I'm re-assessing my need for those things. I continue to cart stuff off to charity on a regular basis and I find that I need reinforcement frequently to keep me on track. In fact, I'm listening to Andrew Mellen ("Unstuff Your Life") on YouTube as I type this. He is absolutely opposed to storage units, by the way, unless you are between homes.

As a booster, I read books on de-cluttering - but I only buy them as ebooks! For the past week or so, I've been watching Netflix television episodes of de-cluttering shows. "Hoarding: Buried Alive" I watch more for the awful train-wreckness of it all. This show deals with actual mental illness, folks with compulsive hoarding, who genuinely believe it would be catastrophic if they did not surround themselves with towering piles of things. That level of hoarding is unusual - most people who live in cluttered homes don't actually have to climb over piles of stuff to get to the next room. "Clean House" (the show where they go in and convince people to get rid of things in a yard sale and then redecorate) is a little less extreme. I watch that show the way other people watch football - vocally. I shout at the TV, "Oh my God! You're an adult! Why do you have Barbie dolls!?" Or, "Are you kidding me? That's hideous - get rid of it!" People always tell me I could be a professional organizer, but I'd have to rein in how brutal I can be.

But I know that people's relationship to stuff is emotionally fraught, and that has to be addressed first. For one thing, stuff is a hedge against an uncertain future. The whole Depression-era "I might need it someday" approach. But is a thing worth storing if it can be easily replaced? People even do this with things they've already replaced.You know how that goes - you buy new towels but the old towels are still serviceable so you shove them into the linen closet. Maybe the kids will want them when they move out or maybe you'll be having a neighborhood picnic when an unexpected storm springs up and everyone runs into your house, soaked, and needs to towel off in synchrony. There's always a reason why something might be useful in the future. As an example, I just got rid of an entire box of spare fan parts. When I installed ceiling fans six years ago, I packed all the leftover bits in a box and stored them in the basement. As if I might actually be able to figure out which part I needed if one broke. If I find myself saying, "But this is a perfectly good whatever-it-is," I stick it in the off-to-charity pile. It's better that it remain in use somewhere than sit on a shelf in my home. Just yesterday, in fact, I wrapped all my stemmed wine glasses in newspaper and took them to charity. Since I bought really cool stemless wine glasses engraved with the name of a California winery that happens to be my own last name, I don't use them. Keeping them means someone out there has to buy new glasses when they could have mine for free or cheap. If you think about it, it's selfish to hold on to things you don't actually use.

Possibly more difficult is the "sentimental value" issue. Things once owned by your great uncle or given to you as gifts or which are part of a collection. (Don't even get me started on the whole idea of collections.) But as Mellen said in that video, "If everything is precious, nothing is precious." I've warned people in my life to stop giving me things - I may appreciate the thought, but I'll also get rid of it. I've shifted my perspective on memorabilia and am far more likely to snap a photo of something and just keep its digital image. I have a couple of family items, but I no longer keep things just because it was once owned by a family member who has died. It's just not possible to have a deep love for that many things. So as I go, I only want to keep a thing if it is truly more important to me than the space it occupies and the time and effort required to deal with it. When I consider it that way, it becomes so much easier to let go.

48 comments:

  1. I love your attitude about stuff and things; I totally agree with everything you said. So imagine how hard it was for me when we moved down to where we are living now (my husband's parents' home as they went into assisted living) with all their stuff still here. And while they were not extreme hoarders, they had stuff everywhere. There was literally just a path from room to room and you couldn't even get into one of the bedrooms because of all the stuff on the floor stacked. Dining table completely covered, kitchen counters completely covered, you get the drift. Thankfully son was moving out at the time so we gave him everything of ours and didn't move much but clothes, hubby's musical instruments, etc. The sum of my personal property other than my clothes, which are not a lot, was one box (mostly journals). It was a nightmare and I know affected my mental health for a long time. Three years later we are still dealing with the clutter (both parents passed the first year we were here). Hubby has gone through 80% of the house clutter, 20% of the garage clutter. I've given up realizing this house will ever be my house and will always carry remnants of his parents lives here because he has stalled in his de-cluttering efforts. If we are still living here when he dies, I'm dumping everything; getting a service in here and telling them "take this, that, etc." If I die before him, it won't really matter. It seriously has affected our marriage for stuff and that is sad.

    (obviously I have a lot of problem with this particular issue, but I'm a real proponent for de-cluttering and letting go and not keeping stuff. It is just stuff.)

    betty

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    1. When my grandmother died, we called in an estate sale company and had them take care of everything - that may be the sort of thing you're talking about. You have my sympathy - that would drive me right on out of my mind. And that's the reason I don't ever want to move into someone else's house. It's hard to truly make it yours when their things are still in there. You're so right that it's just stuff and not worth holding onto if it causes problems.

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  2. I struggle with this too. As for the family heirlooms, I find it hard to get rid of things that great grandparents treasured just in case my kids want them. (Admittedly not that they ever seem to but there are always grandkids who might want them) And then what do you do about the stuff that may be valuable one day? Also, it's infuriating to think that charity shops put so much stuff in the trash, I've seen them do it too.
    And yet at the end of the day it's horrible to be cluttered up, I really absolutely hate it. So your post rang a bell with me.

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    1. If there is some family item one of my kids says they'd like, I'd keep it. But only if I know for sure they want it. I'm definitely not saving things for unborn grandchildren. My grandparents had a house loaded down with items they'd collected around the world. We each took a few favorites and sent the rest to an estate sale. And everything I've read about things being valuable some day? Most likely not and I sure don't want to keep stuff just in case.

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  3. I guess I'd strike more of a middle ground. Actual hoarding is a pathology, but is probably fairly rare. I have a largeish house, esp. for 1 old guy, and I don't really feel the need to have a Japanese simplicity. I have a bedroom that's got my youngest's bed and some stuff she left. Will she every move back in? Unlikely, but it makes me feel somehow comforted to see it when I walk by. I have fishing stuff collected over the years I doubt I'll ever use, but I like to take it out once and awhile.
    When I go, no doubt a lot of stuff will go to charity. That's fine, no problem with it. My dad's old bamboo rod won't mean much to my kids probably, but it does to me.
    I understand the issue with moving, and getting rid of excess also. But I'm not going to move, and I'm not having to walk on paths through my house. The hopi pottery my wife and I got in '71 is on the mantle, untouched except dusting for some years. I don't feel the need to get rid of it.
    Good luck with your move.

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    1. Fair enough. I'm talking about me. I know many (maybe most) people have a far greater tolerance for clutter than I do. What I know about myself is that the less I have around me, the more peaceful I feel. My house is not barren (or Japanese-like) by any stretch but it's less filled with stuff than most people's because that's how I want it.

      Also, what I know is that I hear over and over and over again in therapy how much people feel weighed down by clutter and they ask for my help with that. There must be a reason why it keeps coming up.

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  4. nice...i have 3 more weeks of school and i will begin unstuffing a bit...as i feel the clutter creaping in...and having work and grad school has left me little time to do much about it currently...there are few things i am emotionally attached to...my boys on the other hand might be in that category...smiles.

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    1. Definitely my kids are in the emotionally attached category!

      And it is a creeping in sort of deal - so it makes sense to tackle it when your times frees up some.

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  5. The more space you have the easier it is to have lots of stuff. I have things because my mother expects me to keep them. Some day, they will be gone.

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    1. I've let go of worrying about what my mother expects me to do. I told her last year not to buy me any Christmas presents that I would only get rid of. She did it anyway. I opened the packages at Christmas and then took it straight to the basement to the pile of stuff I was donating. Bam!

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  6. On my last (and hopefully final) move, my daughter was FIRM with me (she's like you, not a fan of clutter or memorabilia) and said, "Mom, if you aren't going to put it in the kitchen and USE it, then get rid of it. No more dishes in storage! I've done a pretty good job of no longer putting things in the attic or basement, except for Christmas decorations, which I love to bring out and overload during the holidays!

    This week I finally have some free time to continue my closet purge. That has been my goal, to create a minimalist closet and only own like 3 sweaters, 4 pairs of jeans, etc. I hope to reach my goal soon!

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    1. Good for you! And it's funny, because I have a much harder time paring down clothing than kitchen stuff. My kitchen is a model of efficiency - I just have the basics that I use regularly. Clothes on the other hand - it's a work in progress!

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  7. I love the way you expressed your thoughts and feelings in this post!

    You and I, yeah, and here I go again (being Libras) have a lot of the same outlooks on things, one being clutter.

    "What I know about myself is that the less I have around me, the more peaceful I feel."

    Same here. In fact, I think I unconsciously (or even consciously) have chosen to live in smaller spaces because I CAN'T clutter. I have pretty much always lived my life my very simple and minimal. I know this may sound strange, but clutter throws my energy off.

    "I have a couple of family items, but I know longer keep things just because it was once owned by a family member who has died."

    Reminds me of when after my mother passed away and my brother asked me to take as much stuff as I wanted of hers, to keep as a remembrance. I took two things: I took one pair of her rosary beads and a small cross that she had standing on her nightstand. That's all I wanted.

    Great post! Now I'm off to find that video by Andrew Mellen because it sounds very interesting.

    X

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    1. The older I get, the less tolerant I am of clutter. That's exactly how I feel - it throws my energy off, leaves me feeling drained. And I have the same feeling about moving into a smaller place - it will actually help me get rid of even more things and I love that idea.

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  8. Oh you rang many bells with me. I've had to downsize and downsize and made the enormous mistake about 7 years ago to rent storage for a big transition. I've since advised others NEVER to do it. It is madness. I could sure use the over $10,000 it cost me to store, well, useless crap that I subsequently got rid of.

    I am now purging my office as I write as I have discontinued what used to be my primary business and I am appalled at what I am uncovering. 8 boxes of labels to begin with. 8.

    So good for you!!!

    XO
    WWW

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    1. I think storage makes sense if it is VERY time limited. But beyond that, no. I hope to be emptying out my unit soon. And oh my God - I couldn't believe how much I had in the way of office supplies. Why? Just, why?

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  9. I need you to talk to my husband about his drawer full of mysterious cords. Cords that are no longer attached to whichever device once operated with them. Cords with mysterious heads and tails, and which no one can identify. What could they possibly plug into? No one knows, and so he stores them, full of fear that they are terribly important, in the Drawerful of Mysterious Cords, where they have babies, I swear they do. I've been trying to tell him for as long as I can remember that it's okay to throw away the mysterious cords because obviously, we don't own or use the devices anymore.

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    1. I had a bag of those, too, along with outdated computer and other electronic parts. I handed them to someone who said they could go to an e-cycling place. But if that hadn't been available to me, I'd have tossed them. As it stands, I just discovered another drawer with cords and will be purging those, too.

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  10. I feel like I am pretty good at not hoarding stuff. When my mom passed away suddenly many years ago, I just got in the mindset that it was too much work to haul stuff from her place or any place that was not really needed.

    I guess it helps as well that the Mrs. just throws out anything that I leave laying around unattended.

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    1. You're right that it's not worth the effort. It only would be if you were young and not really established and needed household goods or if your mom had far better stuff and you want to swap out.

      (Ha! I've done that to my kids, but not my husband.)

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  11. I have a serious aversion to clutter. True story, but on holidays, people will comment that my fridge is bare! LOL....I only ever buy enough for one week. In the event of an emergency, I survive on wine and chocolate chips.

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    1. Now food is one thing I don't want to be without. I like my fridge being pretty full.

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  12. I'm very unsentimental and very practical about things I don't need. On the whole, they're disposed of pretty quickly. I only have two family photos and absolutely no family "heirlooms". I do tend to keep replaced items for a while in case the replacement goes wrong or breaks but that's about it.

    My mum is a terrible hoarder. Her one-bedroom flat is full of junk she doesn't need - old clothes, old newspapers, food stockpiles, you name it. Whenever I suggest she should clear a few things out, she gets really defensive and stops listening. All the junk seems to give her a sense of security.

    You seem to be doing a good job of de-cluttering. You're right that the stuff you're hoarding could be used by someone else instead of just lying on a dusty shelf.

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    1. Here's my question - you replace an item because you no longer want the old one, right? So wouldn't that still be true if the new one breaks? So why keep the old one?

      With true hoarding, it's almost as if people are building caves or nests for themselves. Like a gerbil in shredded newspaper. It really is about fear, and that's sad.

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  13. Well, for example, we have an old kettle that doesn't automatically switch off but could be used in an emergency.

    I think you're right about caves and nests and fear. Piles of stuff have this strangely reassuring quality for a lot of people. It's like a sort of barrier against the outside world.

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    1. I can't keep extras around for emergencies. If it's defective, I'll toss it, wait until the new one dies and then buy a replacement.

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  14. There is certainly a good balance. Like most things the balance will be a little different for each person. I guess there is some value in seeing the extremes but I tend to think media just loves extremes to help rating.
    Your towel example - I disagree a little - Towels can be used in the future for rags. I'm not sure but could it be that the bigger problem is we buy too much stuff that we could so without? Is clutter a problem that affluent societies have, or using the recent popular phrase - a first world problem?

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    1. How many future rags does anyone need, though? If you genuinely use everyone you keep, that's fine. Otherwise, someone else could be using them (like animal shelters, for bedding).

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  15. I so much want a decluttered home. My house isn't messy, no one see the clutter, I just have too much stuff. Moved 7 years ago and got rid of more than half my clutter and now it's all back. It weighs me down and make me feel suffocated. I've got Peter Walsh's book on Too Much Stuff, got it the Christmas before last. I guess it would help if I read it! I'm not a hoarder. I finally took towels to our vet, they need them for sick pets. I can relate to so much you said. I do love the digital idea. I wish you total success.

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    1. Isn't it funny how it creeps back in? I think decluttering is a constant process.

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  16. I am finding it easier to divest myself of a lot of the 'sentimental' stuff as I get older, for some reason. Many things were sentimental from my childhood but without children, and with my family rarely visiting, no-one is going to go through the "oh, I remember that, I can't get rid of it" feeling when faced with my stuff when I move on to a nursing home (or farther).
    Your post - and the comments - has been interesting to read. I often feel overwhelmed by my stuff when I come home from being somewhere that isn't so cluttered, be it a cafe or a friend's home. Yet after a short while, I get used to it all being there.
    One of my problems is finding thing easily when I need it. For example, I have reams of wrapping and tissue paper and gift bags that I never throw out, yet, often I end up back at the dollar store when its time for that birthday present because that is easier than sorting through what I have. Stupid, I know. I'm going to head to the cupboard now... as soon as I finish my coffee (from one of my 37 mugs)

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    1. One of the reasons I write about it is because I think that tendency to stock up and then buy new because you can't find it is so human. Writing about it keeps me working toward a more streamlined life.

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  17. All these thoughtful comments on stuff.

    I love decluttering and I can be ruthless. But I have regrets. I let my mother's china cups be auctioned. I wish I had planted an herb in each one and given to family and friends.

    I think sometimes 'things' carry reverence and memory and their energy is best dealt with carefully. Have you saved reminders of the kids' childhoods? I let things go but not everything. There will come a time when memories comfort, even physical ones.

    All that said, I've also begun my declutter and there's more room in my space and in my head!

    Love
    kj

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    1. I have loved reading the comments as they roll in.

      I save a few token items but I don't have the same feeling that things ought to be treated with reverence. They're just things. I don't need a hundred things to remind me, just a few.

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  18. Take it from one who has decluttered almost everything. The difficult part is in starting. Once that has been accomplished, the rest follows and it gets easier and easier to discard things.

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    1. Oh, I absolutely agree that it gets easier as you go. I've definitely found that to be the case.

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  19. Lol. You sound like me. I also started to watch the hoarding shows. It helps put my small stuff in perspective.

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    1. It's good to be reminded that you're doing pretty well, isn't it?

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  20. When my Mom recently passed away, my sister and I were faced with the chore of dividing, selling, inheriting and pitching her belongings. Our" keep" piles grew incessantly large, until an experienced estate sale organizer gave me the best advice.... keep things you love and/or need; get rid of things that you keep because of history. don't let your home become a museum. And after going through that myself, I really don't want my son to someday have to do the same with my stuff; so I am now enthusiastically able to purge!

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    1. I had to do that with my grandmother's stuff. What a process! In the end, I walked away with just a handful of items.

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  21. When my husband and I divorced I took very little. I moved from a five bedroom house into a two bedroom apartment with no storage. Even now when I want to buy something I have to decide if I have room for it. I like the whole less lifestyle, it's much easier, less dusting.

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    1. Welcome.

      I want to be much more vigilant, too, about what I bring in with me.

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  22. I share your views, yet I am right now feeling completely swamped by our stuff and lacking motivation to dig in and shed crap.

    My hope is that once semester grades are in, I'll feel a surge of "Let's scour this joint!" It's hard with Paco's belongings, though, as, at age 11, he still loves his toys, yet he's kind of moving past them. So we'll let them collect dust until he feels ready to move on...

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    1. I let my kids be in charge of what they keep. I don't ever want them feeling like I forced them to get rid of things they wanted. But with my older son, I made him take it all with him!

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  23. And that's why if I ever need to move, all I really need is my computer. I'm a digital hoarder, and I'm ok with that.

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    1. That is an easy hoard to keep. But it changes when you have kids - life becomes much more complicated in terms of what you need.

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  24. Except for as prep for moving, I had never used a storage unit until the last few years. When our house didn't sell, by my dh said if we didn't move he'd literally die, we moved into a trailer house. We've been renting storage units ever since. At least we managed to get rid of one and are working on getting rid of another right now.

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    1. Literally die? Was there something toxic in the house?

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