Last Christmas, I was mourning the loss of my Dad. This year, a different loss. The sort of grief that accompanies coming face to face with your own mortality. I mentioned before that we pared back on Christmas decorating and will probably continue to do so. But candles warm my soul, and those I will set out every year.
As I did last year, I undecorated the tree right after Christmas and packed away all the dark greens and reds, but left the silver and white for New Year's, including leaving only the lights and the star on the tree. Where Christmas was filled with family and friends, New Year's was just the two of us. We felt like it was important to put 2018 officially to bed. Much of that evening was spent talking about the year and our gratitude for getting through some very tough times together. We broke out a bottle of the Prosecco we got on our honeymoon in Tuscany and toasted the many people who rallied around us or who cancer has brought into our lives. And then happily said goodbye to the old year and hello to 2019.
I've decided - I'm not making a single specific resolution or goal this year. Instead, I'm setting an intention to focus on healing and well-being, in all its many aspects. I plan to blog on those throughout the year - food, exercise, friendship, adventure, and so on. Last year, when we started our no-spend challenge in January, I put on the front of my work appointment book, "I am enough. I have enough." It was a reminder I saw every day and it helped keep me focused. I'm continuing the tradition with my new appointment book:
I ran into an old out-of-town friend a week ago who hugged me and said, "I hadn't heard about your cancer - but it looks like you're beating it." I just smiled and said, "I'm trying." But what I was thinking was, "Well, I'm not dead." And really, isn't that all that means when someone tells me I'm a survivor? Because what matters right now is that I haven't died yet. I'm here, I'm living, I have today.